10 Signs Your Identity is Tied Up in Work
It started after I quit my job in tech to go on creative sabbatical. I was suddenly faced with questions about myself and worth that I hadn’t ever been forced to consider. What do you tell people when you first meet them when you don’t have a title or company attached to you? What do they think of you? I’ve been working since I was 13 years old. I’ve always had a prestigious title and company to be associated with–to be judged by.
Now I was out on my own with no traditional markers of success and achievement to show people. I was exhausted, miserable, and unable to do the work I actually truly loved but at least I was “successful.” I had bought into a lot of lies about work, productivity and success over a short lifetime.
It took me three years to untangle the mess of identity and self left behind after I quit. To not have my self worth tied up in how much I was making and how people perceived my levels of success.
The process began after I started healing from burnout halfway through my sabbatical and realized all I’d learned from my immigrant parents, friends, and culture about the value of hard work and working twice as hard to get half as far had led to this. This belief that without my fancy title and job at the hot tech company, that I somehow had less value as a human. That if I rested or took a break or wasn’t constantly productive then I was somehow less than. That I was only as good as my last achievement and the total in my bank account.
It was three years of therapy and Re-Work and conscious effort to catch myself when I was falling into old habits, perceptions, and beliefs about myself based on where things were with work. New impressive clients and projects–I was ecstatic and full of energy for life. A slow summer or unglamourous project–identity crisis and questioning every choice I’d made in life up to that point.
The thing about overidentifying with work is that it leads to perfectionism and burnout and lower satisfaction overall with life. You lose sense of who you really are and what matters to you as you put all of your energy and soul into a job or career that has very little to offer back. Money and accolades aside.
Here’s what I learned through that process. Hopefully it’ll mean it’ll take you far less time to do the untangling and find joy in life and work.
10 signs your identity is tied up in work
You take pride in working overtime and more than 40 hours a week. That looks like not taking vacation or sick days.
You don’t have boundaries at work. You say yes to every request and need from colleagues even if it means interrupting your personal commitments.
All of your goals are tied to your career or job. You don’t have hobbies or interests outside of work and aren’t even sure what you enjoy outside of your productive life.
You’re overly invested emotionally to the point that you take criticism from coworkers or leaders personally. You’re crushed by the thought of not doing a good job or being perceived as not doing a good job.
You’re driven by external validation. You mark your achievements based on what others say and express about you rather than what you know to be true about you.
You identify as being type A or a perfectionist as a point of pride. You seek perfection in your projects and feel dissatisfied when you (inevitably) don’t achieve it.
Your identity has literally become your work, you put too high a value on title and income–over other things in your life like happiness. You introduce yourself and describe yourself to others based on your job title and company.
You’re exhausted because your sleep or leisure time is interrupted by thoughts of work. If you get good sleep at all, it is minimal and less restful.
You feel shame when you rest or take a break. That looks like feeling bad about yourself whenever you’re not productive.
You don’t enjoy or celebrate your successes. You’re too focused on the next thing to enjoy the plateaus of life (those moments when you’ve achieved a goal).
“The thing about overidentifying with work is that it leads to perfectionism and burnout and lower satisfaction overall with life.”
We live in a society that rewards this kind of thinking. That encourages us to subsume our joy and true identity with work and productivity. But few people outside of CEOs and shareholders benefit from this way of thinking.
It takes serious mental shifts and time and for some of us therapy to reorient our identities away from work. To find joy and enjoyment and self worth in being alive and the simple pleasure that comes with it. To rest and play and live full lives that include work but doesn’t put work at the very center.
And no, that doesn’t mean you need to quit your job or not be ambitious. It’s about finding meaning in work and enjoyment in life at the same time. Not giving up one for the other. To enjoy the precious time you have on earth working yes, because we all have bills to pay, but more importantly, living. Because that’s what we’re here to do, not create shareholder value or just be productive.
I like wine and reading and slow days with my puppy. I also love the work I do, but it’s not where I start and finish when someone asks me about myself and my life. There’s more to it now and I’ve never been more rested, more satisfied, and more full of energy for all of my life. I wish that feeling on everyone I know.
If you haven’t already, join the Re-Work community today. It’s about doing this kind of (admittedly difficult) work in community. You don’t have to do it alone. And there is a way forward.
