How Being Kind to This One Person Could Change Your Life.
Being kind to yourself is one of the hardest and yet most beneficial thing you can do in life.
Hard because we’re just not taught in school or later in life to be gentle with ourselves. To have care. To treat ourselves with the same loving kindness we give to our friends and family.
And yet. And yet. Self compassion, when practiced regularly, has positive effects on your physical health and your mental wellbeing. Research has shown it even helps lower depression and anxiety.
Self compassion is simply kindness towards ourselves. Dr. Kristin Neff the leading researcher on the topic and associate professor at the University of Texas, says “with self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and support we’d give to a good friend.” It’s the process of turning compassion inward, she explains. She describes it as one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience. It makes us stronger.
“Ugh, I’m such an idiot.” “How could I screw that up, I’m so dumb.” “I can’t do ANYTHING right.” “Who am I to think I could do that?” “What’s the point of even trying, I’ll probably screw it up?” “I’m terrible with numbers.” “Why can’t I get my shit together?” “I’m such a loser. 🤦🏾♀️”
Does this sound familiar?
That is the exact opposite of self compassion. Would you ever say ANY of those things to someone you love? But we say them to ourselves without even thinking about it. And that kind of negative self talk has some really serious results. It can increase stress, lower success, and create a higher risk for mental health issues. So the opposite of what kindness toward yourself can do.
We came to self compassion late here at Re-Work. Not the act but the concept.
The Re-Work journey isn’t easy. It requires you to challenge a lot of what you’ve been taught about work and life. But when we were struggling on our own burnout healing journey’s and with some of the elements of the Re-Work equation, we chose to go easy on ourselves—mainly because we were already eliminating perfectionism and also just didn’t have the energy to be hard on ourselves. But we realized that the choice to be kind to ourselves, to accept ourselves even on the days we didn’t get it all right, was actually making it easier to try again the next day. It felt hard some days. We were holding ourselves to new standards and on those days when we didn’t quite succeed in doing it all well, it felt awful, until we let go of the negative voice that was criticizing us and chose kindness instead.
Not, “you’re such a failure, you couldn’t even get something like rest right.” But instead, “rest is hard, it doesn’t come easy to most people, I’ll try again tomorrow and maybe choose an element of rest that’s easier for me at first.”
It wasn’t just about being kind, but challenging our negative self talk and giving us space to be human, to need to take a step back, to pivot, without being hard on ourselves.
And something shifted as we continued that practice. Play suddenly felt like less of a daunting task. And when we finally made the link to the ease and our habit of being kinder to ourselves, it unlocked a lot.
Now self compassion is a fundamental part of what we teach. We see it as an essential element of being successful in healing burnout and getting to a point where you can craft the career of your dreams.
One easy practice we teach in our workshops is Dr. Neff’s self compassion break.
According to her, there are three elements to self compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self kindness.
To practice the break you need to
Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. And actually try to feel the stress in your body. As you do, say to yourself:
This is uncomfortable, or ouch, or this is stress
That is mindfulness
Then remind yourself that you are not alone in the feeling you’re experiencing. That suffering is part of life
Other people experience this too.
That is common humanity.
Finally extend yourself some kindness. Say something that you know is soothing to you.
May I be kind to myself
May I hold myself close
May I extend self compassion to myself
This is self kindness
We encourage folks to turn this into a regular practice. Let negative self talk be the trigger. Just like a gratitude practice, the more you do it, the more you’ll experience results. Give it a try and let us know how it goes.
And there’s one more benefit to making this a part of your life. You know that thing they say about not being able to pour from an empty cup? The same is true for self compassion. When you’re kind to yourself you have more kindness and energy to extend to the people in your life. Isn’t that just a wonderful bonus?
In the meantime if you need help and kindness as you try to address burnout and build a meaningful career, join the Re-Work community for ongoing support.
Additional Self Compassion Resources:
Learn: If self compassion is new for you, this article on how to build a practice later in life has a few great tips.
Explore: Kristin Neff’s website (which includes the self compassion break exercise and many others)
Read: Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff
Listen: Self Compassion Affirmations (on spotify)
Podcast episode: Radical Compassion: Loving Ourselves and Our World Into Healing (part one of Tara Brach’s three part series—another great general compassion teacher who identified the R.A.I.N. approach to compassion)
